July 2, 2022

Skinny Jeans Are My Fever Dream

Super Skinny Is Latin for Lack of Blood Circulation

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Skinny jeans are a thing of the past. A thing of my past, to be specific. What used to be a form-hugging denim delight has quickly become a muffin topper and a stomach-hurter (in my mind). Skinny jeans were popularized by sk8er bois and DC enthusiasts (also referred to as smokers).

The Beginning of This Torrid Love Affair

My experience with skinny jeans began in 2011, at the ripe age of fifteen. They were honestly the best thing that ever happened to me and my scrawny figure.

I had spent the entirety of my existence wearing straight jeans, and because of m naturally heroin, stick-thin chic aesthetic (that I was not going for), it just made me look even more like I had come off of the Paris catwalk. I’m obviously kidding. I was way too fucking ugly to be rocking any catwalk. I wore way too much fleece.

Fuck off, it was high school, and ugly was definitely in, and for some people like yourself, it’s an everlasting commitment. Fuggleface.

Anyways, back to me and my love of cheap denim. After getting my first pair of Bluenotes skinny jeans from the local mall, I was committed to the lifestyle. I would go back every month or so to get another colour. It was like my braces, a constant change in colours. Oh, teenhood, what a time to be risky.

I look back and cringe so hard because I seriously felt like such a bad bitch, when in reality, I was just another doppelganger for crack in the 80s. Do you think this vial of crack is cute?

That’s just the look, the feeling of being shoved into them is another horror show.

Wearing Skinny Jeans Is Karma for All Your Sins

Whether your skinny jeans are crafted by the likes of Donatella Versace or Jesus Christ himself, you will never convince me that you weren’t experiencing a stroke at least once while doing so. The more that I think about it, the cause of my crappy high school grades could be attributed to the lack of blood flow to my brain.

If you’ve never worn skinny jeans before, consider yourself blessed. Walking from class to class, hallway to hallway and floor to floor, even something as simple as bending my knees would cause considerable pain to my calves. It was as if my legs were constantly hyperextending.

Even worse, whenever I would get even the slightest shiver of heat, I would feel a drop of sweat race from thigh to ankle. I know what you’re thinking, you Dr. Oz-ass-wannabe. No, it was not my ball sweat.

Where Are They Now: Wearing Denim with Dignity

With the rise of baggy, straight, and flare jeans, I just happened to hit the fashion lottery. I slowly became my authentic self. I no longer follow the latest trends; I pick what fits my body type and my mood and story for the day.

The baggy aesthetic is beneficial for many reasons, like the Phoebe Philo coolness factor and its natural ability to slim. I look for functionality in the clothing I buy nowadays. I appreciate the wide-panted, balloon-blown feel to the trousers I wear.

What Your Jeans Say About You

Let's end this on a positive note. Do you often wonder what your jeans are saying to the people who have to watch you as you walk into work or that local restaurant that you keep going to even though you've bragged to all your friends that your palette is "of a higher caliber"?

Here's the breakdown bietch:

Baggy - You have space issues and you like one of your parents more than the other.

Straight - You were just released from prison.

Relaxed - You haven't paid your taxes in over a year.

Skinny - You're a touchy, feely kind of person. You want more in your relationships but for some reason people can't stand talking to you.

Super Skinny - You're constantly fighting with your friends because "they're the problem".



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