Note: The title of this blog is not a penis joke.

When you wake up in the morning (or mid-day for you gamers and medical workers), do you ever feel like testing the waters? I’m finally in a place where I’m hitting my strides. No, that is not a metaphor for jerking off.

This article is already starting to sound like a story about dicks.

Anyways.

I wake up every morning, ready to work, talk to my friends, and meet new people. It’s such a unique feeling; it kind of came out of nowhere. It was one of those things that just appeared.

I think many people will write it off as being me “no longer giving a fuck,” but I contend. I do give a fuck. I just no longer apply real weight to what others may think of the way I act, how I dress, or who I am as a person. Growing up in a larger family, I have been around aunts and uncles who have felt free to openly share their opinions on my looks, life, and really just everything in between.

I’m living this life for myself because, in those final moments where I’m on my bed, at the beach, or on some fresh cut grass, I will look back at what I did and whom I had those memories with.

Taking A Step Back to Move Two Steps Forward

Reshaping my concept of life has systematically impacted how I carry myself and how I view my friendships and relationships.

It’s crazy to think that I once would only wear the clothes that other kids wore. I never wanted to be seen; I wanted to fit in so that I would be unseen. That’s the thing about creativity, though; you lose all of it when you begin shadowing others. You can’t think of fresh ideas because everything you’ve taught yourself has been mirroring those around you. That’s not creativity, that’s imitation.

There’s great importance in thinking for yourself and finding peace within your means. When you retract, you’re undoing your progress and enabling yourself once again to be just like everyone else.

Kids Can Be Bitches Too

I talk about confidence because I had 0 of it throughout high school and even less (into the negatives bitch) in university.

A great example of this is when my teachers would be experiencing technical difficulties with the tech devices and software. Almost always, I would know the answers to all the troubleshooting tech questions that they would ask. But I’d never volunteer to help because I thought so little of myself. It’s crazy to use this as an example because it seems so minute. But I like to reflect on this quite a bit because it paints a picture of how I used to be. I would go out of my way not to be seen so that I could get by.

This may sound normal, but that doesn’t make it right. At the age of twenty-five, I am now at a place where I like to be heard. My voice feels amplified. I wear my crazy haute couture that I save up for; I like reading my GQ and doing my hair in wacky ways. I do this all because it’s me; it is I who holds up in court.

And so what if there are people that like to point out your awkwardness or loud clothing? That doesn’t make it right. There’s this really fucked up idea that we should excuse the mistakes of people who were assholes in high school because they were teenagers and didn’t know any better. But what about us? What about our ways of life, our ways of thinking?

Adversity is the worst when it’s humans against humans. We already have so many factors that work against us, like finances and educational shortcomings, to have our peers try to bring us down is stupid. And it makes absolutely no fucking sense to excuse the behaviour of a really rotten apple just because rotten apple is having a rough time with his trailer trash parents. We’re not your punching bag, we’re ears to hear your problems.

I know it sounds beyond fucking rude but take it from the perspective of someone who actually felt that pain of the words of others. It’s not right and you being a teenager makes you accountable for your stupid decisions, dumbass. At a time where I felt the most vulnerable, I was torn down by the words, thoughts, and opinions of my fellow classmates. But I’m doing better now because I’m around people who see me and love me for who I am.

Introspection Leads to the Discovery

Having support from friends and family is definitely beneficial, but so is speaking to yourself and really getting to the grit of your pain. What’s holding you back? Be honest, be truthful, be real.

The Root of My Fears

For me, a lot of the holding back was fear of my parents being embarrassed. But after living twenty-five years, I’ve come to the conclusion that they’ll never be embarrassed because what’s to hate about a child that has lived up to their potential? I’m checking off the things that they taught me to strive for: goals, I believe they’re called.

So what if I present myself in an abnormally different way, who’s that hurting? No one bitch. Not a single soul– but maybe a fucking asshole. What’s hurting people is the words and the lack of responsibility that people take for being dickheads.

What Can Confidence Do?

With the random spurts of confidence, I feel throughout my days; I dare to dress the way I dress to express myself as the being I’ve always been. And with such, I get to thrive in every facet of my life, from work to my relationships.  

I will wear the baggiest pants– Balenciaga, I must add– and against my toned, luxurious frame, they may look odd, but I simply do not give a fuck. I like how I feel, it’s me, and most importantly, I’m in my element. I will wear these pants in public, and of course, I’ll get a stare or two, but with my AirPods in and my eyes beaming forward, I dare an ugly bitch to say something.

Of course, this is just one example, but it’s an important one. My nose has clearly been my least favourite feature, for probably the last decade. It won’t stop getting fucking huge. This past year – yes, a whole twenty-five years – has taught me to really look in the mirror and see myself for who I am and what I am. I will never look like the models in the magazines or the actors and performers on TV. But there’s a reason why: representation. Brown people will never look like white people and that’s not just related to skin tone; I’m talking actual bone structure.

The Lesson I’ve Learnt In Life

Revisiting my past fears and hatred for my body has really taught me to love who I am, for every odd part of my appearance or personality. It’s me. And so what if I change something in the future? That doesn’t mean I gave in. I did what I wanted. Take autonomy of your body. Allow yourself to control the narrative.